It’s not a secret that I’m not a confident person…I second guess my decisions, wonder if people really like me or just humour me and I usually have to be pushed into trying new things since my fear of failure can paralyze me.
But…I’m ready to throw all that out the window. I’m tired of feeling down on myself all the time, like a failure. I am not an incapable person.
I’ve been so focused on being a Mom for the last two years that I forgot I should have a life outside of Lucy, that I’m capable of learning new things and having a normal conversation with other adults without it being centered around Lucy. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I’ve been able to commit these last two years solely to Lucy but it’s time to get a life of my own…without sacrificing our relationship. In fact I think it would be healthier…I’d be happier, therefore less impatient with her, which equals a happier Lucy. A win / win solution in my books.
The day I learned how to work my sewing machine I remember the exact moment I started to feel a lightness and confidence start to creep in. It was like a high and I’m pretty sure it lasted for a few days. I suddenly had clarity and knew with all my heart I wasn’t happy with where my life was heading…that I was settling for what I thought I deserved. All this came from simply remembering I had the skill to pick up a new hobby and be good at it. It’s the small things that tend to give me a lift.
It has been (and still is) a slow process of getting where I want to be. I still have a lot of work to do: find a job, move out of my parents house and build a life of our own for me and Lucy (huge tasks!) but I feel like I’m on the right path. Breaking up with Lucy’s Dad was such a huge obstacle for me, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I knew it was the right thing to do…that it wasn’t fair to him or me or Lucy to live a lie just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I’m improving and becoming more confident but I’ve lived 27 years so far telling myself that I can’t do anything right so there’s bound to be setbacks along the road. Although now I’m willing to work past the setbacks instead of letting them get me down for so long. When I have a bad day I can now go to bed telling myself it’ll be better tomorrow…and it usually is.
This was a hard post to write…I don’t usually like to admit my weaknesses, at least not in a way that’s not a self-deprecating “I’ll make fun of myself before you can” type of way. But since I’ve started to blog I’ve felt this need to start being more honest with how I feel…stop bottling everything up until I explode. I don’t have many people who I feel comfortable seeing behind my mask of trying to be strong and “everything’s fine, why do you ask?”… including my closest friends. I guess writing it down for stranger’s to read is easier…go figure. But I guess since things are changing for me and I’m becoming more positive about myself it seems stupid to ignore how I feel, whether it’s good or bad. No one is that strong…including me.
I’m ready for change…bring it on, I can handle it.